By a counselor, I have been labelled as dependent personality disorder. That was in 2013. I think on and off that kind of behavior surfaces in times where I remember experiences of my childhood. Being submissive is definitely a telling sign of that root drive for survival, for acceptance. As a child I was submissive and timid because my home setting was pretty unstable. I lived with different family members throughout my childhood, moving from so many schools, I don’t really even remember the number. I was timid and overly considerate in order to show how appreciative I am of being taken care of and being allowed a place to stay. It was a behavior that seeped into my identity growing up, being identified as shy, timid, quiet, nice....................
This kind of behavior is common factor and drive on how I choose to live my life, the roles that I take on and the people I associate with. Choosing to be a mother has so much to do with this behavior honestly. I was lonely, although married, I wanted to feel a kind of unconditional love, and was willing to take on the responsibility of a mother even with just hardly growing up myself. I knew it would be challenging as an active duty personnel, who should also be going to school, exceeding my physical fitness standards and actively volunteering in my community while putting money in savings, and just turning 20. I wanted to do all of that while then just giving birth, breastfeeding, and choosing a childcare center, to work active duty with no family near and spouse deploying right after childbirth. Prior to that decision, I proclaimed to never be a mom. My mom was a single mother, and I always felt in the way of her reaching her goals. That was my way of reaching those goal for her in my lifetime. But my spouse figured I would change my mind eventually, and I thought if I gave him more of what he wanted, I wouldn’t feel alone anymore. With his gratefulness and the love of my children, I would gain all that I’ve been craving since birth. This is my honest confession; although an immature, and unevolved decision to make at a young age, the choice got one thing right, I have now found true love in becoming a mother. Learning what is as close to unconditional love as possible is becoming a parent deciding to live for them. Making myself the best version possible to be an example for them, giving them love because it pours out of me now, and giving guidance based on reasoning and experience is a beautiful responsible role in my life.
Another part of the dependent personality disorder was clinging behavior. This one was a little more complicated because, moving back and forth between so many environments, it was not safe to get so attached. So, I kind of stayed quiet, and not so driven to keep genuine relationships because of it. I didn’t really get to a stage of clinginess too often growing up.
As an adult, I now had some choice as to how long I’d stay in one place. So this packing urging to cling on to someone that I actually liked was a whole new feeling that I didn’t yet know how to manage. I mask my identity as being independent because so many women in my family have had to be, and because I was used to feeling alone. But, in the events that I’m offered a friendship or relationship I held on for dear life. Pulling at every inch of attention and affection. In 2018, I was becoming more aware of this behavior in myself and worked building up my self-worth and creating more of what it was to feel accepted so that I don’t attach myself to just one person.