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Perspective: Honey It’s Just Messy. Too much Sweetness.

My experience of relational transgression seems to reveal a pattern of not just one relationship, but a sort of theme that pops up in some of the most important relationships in my life. I grew up without a dad, my mom was single most of my childhood. I never really asked why he wasn't there. Not until my own pregnancy at age 20, when I needed to understand how a parent could just leave. Growing up, I just learned to not care, and show that I didn't need him. I grew cold, and independent in that way. However when tempted to become codependent in my relationships with men in my life, I jumped at the chance. Begging for attention from just that one person, always. Well, only one boyfriend at a time, but a few boyfriends within the span of the past 15 years. I would go all in a relationship, and risking the chance of being manipulated or used while proving my undeserving, yet unconditional love for them. It was a dangerous game to put these men in such high regard, requiring that they fill the shoes of the one who left when I was a child. To crave feeling seen and worth being loved was an aching pain that I'd mask as true love for guys that I didn't always know.

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